This is Relationship Reflections- a monthly newsletter that explores common themes of couples counseling, examines psychoeducational tools, and advocates for intentional relational care.
What’s in this newsletter:
A review of curiosity and assumptions
A request for noticing assumptions and getting curious about curiosity
A resource to help you discover your authentic voice within curious questioning
Hi All,
One of the great things about long term partnerships is growing together. However, there are downsides to feeling as if you know each other *too* well…Relationship stagnancy, contempt for their quirks, and assuming you know what they’re thinking and feeling are three big ones. In this edition, we’ll review the problems that arise from assumptions and how to replace them with connective curiosity.
It is all too common for long term couples to fall into a pattern of making assumptions about each other's thoughts, feelings, and intentions. There are certainly useful applications for this- such as knowing what special treat to bring them from the grocery store, or what genre of movie they like to watch. But when it comes to uncomfortable feelings, relying on assumptions can lead to misunderstandings, disconnection, and conflict within the relationship. This is why it is crucial for partners to actively communicate, continue to be curious, and check in with each other on a regular basis.
According to research from the Gottman Institute, one of the key predictors of relationship success is the ability to turn towards each other in times of stress or uncertainty. (For more on this, check out last month’s newsletter- Link Up With Love: Responding to Bids for Connection) This means actively seeking to understand your partner's perspective, rather than making assumptions or jumping to conclusions. Demonstrating that you believe your partner to be the expert of their own lived experience is respectful, empowering, and connective. This means that they know best: how they are feeling, what they are thinking, and what they need at any given moment. That means it is also unfair and unrealistic to expect your partner to be able to read your mind and know exactly what you are thinking or feeling without you telling them.
To avoid the pitfalls of assuming, we encourage partners to practice curiosity in their relationship. This means asking thoughtful questions, actively listening, and seeking to understand your partner's perspective. It also means being willing to be vulnerable and share your own thoughts and feelings openly and honestly with your partner.
Great curiosity requires quality questions.
Many people default to asking “why” which, although good intentioned, often puts the receiver on the defensive.
For example, “why did you wear that shirt today?” carries an implication that something is wrong with the shirt, even if that was not the intent of the question.
Content-focused questions may seem like the most direct route to resolution when in reality, people need to feel as if their partners understand what is important to them about a decision more than they need the decision to be made.
For example, if a couple is discussing which font to use for their wedding invitations, partners may be inclined to talk about the fonts themselves (I like this swirly one, I don’t like that bold one) when instead, the important conversation is in the meaning-making of those fonts (I like this font because it feels whimsical to me and I want our wedding to be a lighthearted party).
When we don’t slow down and get curious about feelings and meaning, we not only miss opportunities for connection (we both want our wedding to be a fun party and choosing a font that represents that is an exciting moment of anticipation for the big day) but we can inadvertently send the opposite message to our partner (I’m not on the same page as you, we don’t want the same things, I don’t understand your values and priorities). When we find ourselves baffled that our partner is “making such a big deal” out of something benign (e.g. fonts) it’s often because we missed the underlying conversation they were needing to connect with us about.
(For more on values and meaning-making, check out our edition from last August- Connection Via Shared Direction)
By checking in with each other, honoring each other's expertise of their own life, and actively practicing curiosity, couples can build trust, deepen their connection, and strengthen their relationship over time. So our request is: notice how assumptions show up in your relationship and check in about ways to replace these assumptions with conscious curiosity.
For our resource this month, we’ve made you a worksheet with categories of curious questions to help you expand your toolkit and discover your own authentic voice within curiosity.
We’d love to hear what other curious questions you come up with! And, as always, if you’re in Texas and ready to grow your connection and communication with your partner, we’d love to schedule a free consultation to answer any questions you may have and see if our services are the right fit for your needs.
Warmest Regards,
Lauren Ross, LMFT LPC
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