Link Up With Love
Responding to Bids for Connection
This is Relationship Reflections: a newsletter that explores common themes of couples counseling, examines psychoeducational tools, and advocates for intentional relational care.
What’s in this newsletter:
A review of bids for connection and their potential responses
A resource explaining bids in detail from the researchers
A request for turning towards & noticing reactions
Hi All,
Happy New Year! Beginnings are often wonderful opportunities to increase awareness and intentionality. Change provides us with new perspectives and a chance to see things differently. Let’s begin this new year with thoughtfulness and review: bids for connection and their responses.
The busyness and draining routines of daily life can unintentionally lead to emotional disconnection within our relationships. When we're not paying attention, we often neglect our partners or take them for granted. Research from The Gottman Institute clearly demonstrates the importance of recognizing and responding to bids for connection and their vital role in fostering emotional intimacy in partnerships.
But what exactly are bids?
Bids for connection can be seen as subtle or explicit expressions of our needs for emotional connection.
They can range from a simple question like, "How was your day?" to more indirect attempts at engagement, such as sharing an interesting article or pointing out something amusing. In essence, bids are attempts we make to connect with our partners and loved ones.
Bids can be tricky because they're often subtle and carry subtext. On the surface, their content may seem unimportant. "Oh look, a bird!" might not seem worthy of redirecting our attention. However, the real message being sent is "come share this moment with me," which is certainly worthy of our time and energy.
Recognizing bids and responding to them with attentiveness, interest, and empathy can significantly impact the quality of our relationships. This type of thoughtful response is commonly known as "turning towards" bids for connection. Couples who consistently respond positively to these bids tend to build strong foundations of trust, emotional support, and intimacy.
On the other hand, failure to recognize and respond considerately to bids may unintentionally create distance and emotional disconnection. When partners ignore or "turn away" from bids, they send a message that their partner is not important. For example, if someone asks their partner which shirt they should wear, and their partner responds with "I don't know, whatever you want," they unintentionally send the message "I don't care what you look like," missing the opportunity for connection and shutting down their partner's excitement. When this happens consistently, the bidder becomes increasingly less likely to bid again in the future, creating a vicious cycle that leaves partners feeling disconnected and ignored.
When partners "turn against" bids, they actively communicate that their partner is annoying, frustrating, or a burden. So in the same shirt example, if the partner responded with "why don't you just try not to look like a slob for once," their partner would easily understand that they are a disappointment and leave the interaction feeling hurt and rejected. Either way, these unmet bids can pile up and lead to feelings of insecurity, resentment, or breakdown in the relationship over time.
So, how can we actively turn towards bids and foster a nurturing and loving connection?
Tune into each other: Take a moment to become more attentive and attuned to your partner's verbal and nonverbal cues. Practice active listening, focusing on their words and expressions without distractions or judgment.
When people say “presence is a present” this is what they mean!
Cultivate curiosity: Approach your partner's bids with genuine interest and wonder. By showing a sincere desire to understand their perspective, you're demonstrating that their emotions and thoughts matter to you.
Humans have an innate desire to be “seen”, “known”, and loved
Respond with kindness: Make a conscious effort to respond warmly and positively to the bids your partner presents to you. Let go of defensiveness or dismissive behaviors and instead, validate their feelings.
It’s ok to misunderstand; bids are a great opportunity to give your partner the benefit of the doubt and ask clarifying questions.
Embrace shared experiences: Engaging in shared activities or hobbies allows for more opportunities to naturally encounter bids for connection. Shared laughter and enjoyable moments can help strengthen your bond.
Playfulness and stepping outside your element are fun ways to grow together and keep your relationship fresh.
Open up about your own bids: Communication is a shared responsibility. Express your own needs for connection and encourage open conversation and vulnerability with your partner. Nurture an environment that supports both sides to express themselves freely.
Your partner isn’t a mind reader, it’s ok to kindly let them know when you’re bidding, or ask them which type of your bids are their favorite.
By turning towards bids for connection, we can create an atmosphere of emotional safety, trust, and deep connection within our relationships. Remember, strengthening our connection requires continued effort and mindfulness. As Dr. John Gottman says, "A strong marriage requires two people who choose to love each other even on those days when they struggle to like each other."
The resource this month is The Relationship Cure, a book from The Gottman Institute, who conducted the research which highlighted the importance of turning towards bids for connection.
Finally, my request is that you find opportunities to turn towards your loved ones; notice their reactions versus what might have happened if you turned away or against; and notice how you feel as a result of this intentional response. You might just find that that small expenditure of energy came back to you in spades.
Warmest Regards,
Lauren Ross, LMFT LPC
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