Gottman's Four Horsemen & Their Antidotes
Welcome to Relationship Reflections- the newsletter for those passionate about preventative relational wellness
This is Relationship Reflections- a monthly newsletter that explores common themes of couples counseling, examines psychoeducational tools, and advocates for intentional relational care.
You’re In the Right Place If:
You appreciate the power of connection and value the relationships in your life
You believe knowledge is powerful and are excited by the constant opportunity for improvement
You are ready to intentionally seize the moment and use curiosity to take full advantage of an exciting life transition
What’s In This Email:
A warm welcome to the newsletter
An explanation of how we’ll use this space moving forward
A review of Gottman’s Four Horsemen and their Antidotes
A resource for further reading
A request to inspire growth
An infographic to sum it all up
Hi all,
Thank you so much for being here for the inaugural issue of Relationship Reflections- the newsletter for those passionate about preventative relational wellness. We believe, with a spark of curiosity and a smidge of psychoeducation, systems can develop empowering patterns of relating. Each month, we’ll follow a simple format that reviews a relational concept, provides a resource, and encourages curiosity through a request. We promise to keep it short & sweet, so let’s get to it…
One could make the argument that communication is everything in relationships. So, let’s start by reviewing The Gottman Institute’s “Four Horsemen”. If this sounds apocalyptic, it’s because these four communication styles are the key predictors of relationship failure. Fortunately, they each have an antidote! The Gottman Institute’s research has found that the differentiating factor between relationship “masters” and “disasters” is which category couples pervasive patterns of communicating occupy- the Horsemen, or their antidotes (so don’t worry too much if you recognize an occasional slip into one of the horsemen, everybody makes mistakes!)
The first Horsemen is Criticism: A problem-focused expression of disapproval or judgment that attacks your partner’s character. (i.e. “What are those dishes still doing in the sink? Why can’t you ever pick up after yourself?”)
Its antidote is Gentle Startup: An emotion-focused statement followed by an expression of positive need. (i.e. “I feel stressed when the kitchen is messy. I need your help with the after dinner chores.”)
Watch out for blame and redirect uncomfortable feelings into actionable steps so your partner has an opportunity to demonstrate that they’re on your team.
The second Horsemen is Contempt: An attack that intends to insult or abuse to the core. (i.e. “You’re such a slob. You leave a mess tornado everywhere you go. You’re worse than the kids!)
Its antidote is Building a Culture of Appreciation: Expressions of gratitude and admiration for positive attributes and contributions. (i.e. “Thanks for making us lunch, I was slammed with back-to-back meetings and that sandwich hit the spot. You’re so thoughtful!”)
These develop over time, so small things often are key! Partners develop a positive perspective that provides a buffer for hard times when they maintain at least a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.
The third Horsemen is Defensiveness: Victimizing oneself in an attempt to deflect blame. (i.e. “You already had me going to the grocery store for that stuff you forgot, how was I supposed to get to the pharmacy before it closed?”)
Its antidote is Taking Responsibility: Acknowledgement of wrongdoing and other perspectives. (i.e. “I know how important that prescription is and how frustrating our local pharmacy’s hours can be. I’ll call the order in to the one across town that is open 24/7 and pick it up after dinner tonight.”)
When left unchecked, criticism and defensiveness often create a vicious spiral. Their antidotes provide an opportunity for repair and redirection to productive teamwork.
The fourth Horsemen is Stonewalling: Shutting down, withdrawing, or abandoning. (i.e. “Whatever, I’m over this” [storms out, drives away, ignores calls])
Its antidote is Psychological Self-Soothing aka Self-Care: Taking a healthy timeout to relax and reset. (i.e. “I’m feeling really overwhelmed by this conversation, can we take a 30 minute break and talk about it again after I get back from a run?”)
Stonewalling often occurs when someone’s nervous system is flooded; healthy timeouts taken early and often can create an atmosphere for productivity, collaboration, and regulation.
Learning to decipher the Horsemen and find your own voice in the antidotes can take time. Being gentle with yourself and your partner as you build your own language within these skills is in and of itself an opportunity to practice them. If your curiosity is peaked, this resource explains them in greater detail, along with many of The Gottman Institute’s other principles for relational wellness.
My request of you this month is that you curiously consider ways to develop your own authentic habits of communication within the framework of the four antidotes.
Warmest Regards,
Lauren Ross, LMFT LPC
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